If you are loved my someone, I envy you.

If you are loved by someone I envy you. Because well, I haven’t been single for 5 years nearly, and yet I still don’t know what it feels like to be unconditionally loved. No, I am not a whore, I don’t sleep around. I’m a good girl. I lost my virginity when I was 16 to a boy I thought was my forever, he turned out to be completely Mr Wrong, and we’re clearly not forever. Then I met my current partner, and now I think we might be forever, seems that way, but I don’t know if we’re in love enough.

When I think about him I get a pang in my chest. Not a pang of ‘I miss you’ not a pang of ‘I’m so lucky to have you’ (although I do feel those things) but no it’s a pang of hurt. My heart aching. All the emotional pain a human can feel. And why? Because , since we started going out and forever more, I am and always be second best to every single thing in your life.

Drink, work, your friends, your hobbies, your pets…They all have your undivided attention, and yet I don’t even know what it would be like to have your attention. We’ve rowed and rowed and rowed about this and each time you say you’ll try harder, you’ll change, you’ll make the effort for me because ‘you do like me really’ (Note, you can’t say you love me) but each time I’m left even more hurt because not only do you let me down time and time again, it’s even harder to bear because you promised you wouldn’t. And I hate liars. 

I just pointed this out to you and you told me to fuck off.

Well , what does that say?


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