“Why don’t you lose yourself?”
Just casually hating on life again. My days, Wednesday to Sunday, are spent working as waitress in a pub I hate, with people I hate, and of course the job itself I hate, but as I said, I’m a waitress, I expect you to infer that I hate it without me telling you. Then when I’m not working, so Sunday evenings, Mondays and Tuesdays, I spend my time just waiting on you. What are you doing? Do your plans involve me? If not am I going to see you at all on my measly two short days off? Now that is not living. Because summed up, my days are all the same, waiting on people. Doing everything I can to keep my boss, a customer, you happy. I haven’t done something I love in fucking ages, like play my guitar for hours, sing, read a book.
But you know what, although this is my life and I hate it, I have another problem.
It has come to my attention that I would like to work in a Nursery, with small children, I have printed the forms, filled them in, even addressed the envelope, but I’m still too chicken to end them off. Because I’m not ready to get up at 6 every morning, I’m not willing to trad in my nights out drinking, I’m not willing to see less of you and pathetically, I’m not even willing to take off my bracelets and remove my piercings so I can do the job I want.
And if that wasn’t enough, you have also decided you might change jobs, still a chef, but in a bigger, better restaurant. So, longer hours, harder work, fewer breaks and fewer days off. And because my job would be a standard Mon-Fri, 9-5 and yours will still be days off when you can get them and working from 9am till 10pm , we definately would see even less of each other than we do now, and then we did see each other, you’d be tired from the long days, you’d want sex even less than you do, you’d talk to me even less than you do now, and I’d get more and more frustrated and angry, and in the end we’d both just be tired, angry , unhappy people, stuck together because deep down we know we love each other.
Is it not so cruelly ironic, that in order for us to have some kind of financial stability, for us to have a home together, a holiday together, a fucking normal life together (!) we’d both have to basically give up on our relationship? How is that even remotely fucking fair??
So, in essence, my post today is not about me having no time to myself, or me not wanting to actually get a proper job, or me not being able to see you like I do now, although it seems that way, but actually , what I’m trying to tell you is quite frankly, I. Am. Done. I don’t want to do a 9-5 job, I don’t want to be trapped in this shit hole my life has become, I hate my routine and how I shit I feel about everything. I don’t want this anymore. And yes I get scared, because if I don’t go through all this other shit, then the only option is to die, and I guess that isn’t really an option, but I just think about how I feel now, and what the future seems to hold, and I don’t know firstly how to get from here to there, and secondly, if I even want to.
I’m so fed up of this. The world is just so full of crap.