Friday The 8th of March 2013

I lay on top of you, wrapped in one of your t-shirts, you stroking my arms, and I sobbed. I didn’t softly cry, or politely tear up, I fucking went for it, all out, I cried until my eyes were dry, my head hurt and we both soaked. 

I screamed at you for the times you’d upset in the last year and a half, I punched and kicked you, I told you I knew I wasn’t wanted, and I finally said those sad, sad words. I was raped. 

I have never ever cried in front of you and I hope I never have to again, especially after the fact that the first time I did, it was so horrific. But my God I hadn’t felt sadness like it in so long. All I COULD do was to just lie on you and make you finally hear my breaking heart, my crumbling self esteem, just me, my personality, my whole identity, dying.

I know you were angry at first, because I had a go at you, but when you just held me, and stroked my arm, and didn’t once say anything nasty or let me go in the entire 45 minutes I cried, I finally felt we were getting somewhere, I had never loved you so much, I had never let myself be so vulnerable in front of you before and you had never been just so there for me. 

I know you didn’t want me to say those words out loud, but I fear if I never got the chance to tell anyone, I would constantly try and sabotage us, and we would end up ruined because of how someone mistreated me. 

I know I’m insecure, because I constantly feel unwanted, I constantly need to ask you how you feel about me, do I annoy you, are you bored of me? I know I act so confident in front of EVERYONE, but my dear, I am so unstable. But after that Friday night, I still get sad, but I feel more comfortable with you now, and it’s like a weight has been lifted.

That’s a reminder to everyone though. If EVER someone you really care about is upset, and you can’t think of anything to say that could help them, just hold them, it’ll make the world of difference.

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