Those of you who know me, will know very well where I stand on the ‘No is no’ issue, unless consent is given, sex is wrong, no matter how short her skirt, no matter how many units she has ingested, rape is rape. As the saying goes “Why should my clothing be blamed for your lack of self control?”
My debate today however, is when does consent stop being necessary?
Now unfortunately to put this into context I will have to explain something sad, whilst I did not see it this way at the time, my doctor told me, that the experience I went through was in fact rape. Now the reason I struggle with this, as do many others , is because actually, I DID consent to sex. So I imagine, you will now all be wondering, how could I have been ‘raped’ if I did consent. Well how about this, half way through the act, he started to hurt me, well I was in pain, and it was due to what we were doing. I asked him to stop. Now being that this man supposedly loved me, he should have stopped and accepted I was in pain, and that my pain wasn’t worth his pleasure. But he didn’t stop, not when I asked the first time, nor the second, or the third. Not even when I started crying. So this is where my debate comes in. Yes I consented, but why is it when I removed that consent my wish was not respected. Nor the thousands of other woman who have been in a similar position.
Now there are many nasty blokes that will not help my cause, they will call me a tease and say I’m just looking for attention, although that cannot be true, as although I write this, to this day I have never actually told anyone about this, not even my current partner. But in my case my reason for removing consent was out of a physical issue, not a silly little girl playing a nasty game.
So, you tell me, when does a yes stop being a yes? When does no start becoming a no? Oprah says “No is a complete sentence.” And it is, and yet it is also one most ignored. This is why today, I would not say I was raped as I realise, I did give consent in the first place, but using my example can you people see why it is so hard for rape victims to convince a defence lawyer, witness’,a jury and a judge, that they were used and abused against there will, when the odds really aren’t stacked in the favour, because the lines between yes and no, have become so fucking blurred in this day and age.
A woman isn’t raped, she is drunk and has a one nigh stand she regrets. She’s a little whore who likes to tease. She’s a young girl who got in too deep too young. There’s always some excuse for why it’s ok for men to take advantage. Never one for why a woman might change her mind half way through, like because she’s in pain, she’s been hurt before and finds it hard to be that intimate again, maybe she just innocently changed her mind (common in those about to have sex for the first time)
Something needs to be done regardless, and not just in rape cases. In any case of abuse, whether that be abuse of a power, a person, of trust. I just don’t feel comfortable right now, knowing I could bring a child into a world where she could be hurt so viciously and just be told to deal with it as she probably asked for it. How does that make you feel?