Carry You Home.

So, I don’t really know why I’m going to tell you this, as it is quite personal and well, in reality, I’d rather not talk about it. But I am going to nonetheless. 

Basically, I recently had I suppose what most people would call a ‘pregnancy scare’ although, weirdly I wasn’t all that scared. Not as scared as I should have been perhaps. It all started two weeks ago: I felt like I had put on weight, and was constantly bloated. (I did actually look like I was 7 months pregnant some days.) Now being bloated happens to all people, for many reasons and on it’s own didn’t give me much reason to worry. But then it just got worse… I got headaches, lower back pain, terrible mood swings (happy to angry to crying my eyes out) I was starting to bleed (and I’m on the pill so that is definitely something that should not have happened) and then the most tell tale sign- I started to throw up, but in the evening, not the morning (although as many now know, morning sickness does not actually always occur in the morning.)

So there you have that, I was displaying, nearly every symptom a woman would suffer if she was in her first trimester of pregnancy, and by this point I was concerned and did my research. So in my mind, that was that, I spoke to my boyfriend, and we realised this could be a very real thing that was about to happen to us.

Now, those of you who read this and know me, will know that firstly I’m only 18, and secondly, I don’t actually want to have kids. However, with the ‘knowledge’ that I was most likely carrying a baby, I changed my lifestyle. I haven’t had an alcoholic drink in a week and a half, I have been trying to sleep more, eat more, and cut down my caffeine intake. I have been careful not to be around people who smoke and making sure  eat the right foods for my ‘growing fetus’. That’s almost the funny part, despite me not wanting kids, and my boyfriend telling me we definately couldn’t afford one, I still tried to protect this little thing, despite knowing that if I turned out to be pregnant, it was likely I would have to give it up. 

I kind of shocked myself, at how much I would actually be willing to change for the sake f my child. As it turns out, I found out today I am not actually pregnant, (just a sufferer of freak coincidence) but I still changed my entire thought process and habits, just in case I was, for the sake of a baby that didn’t even really exist.

And another side to that, was that whilst I was unsure whether I was pregnant or not, I liked to think I was (even though as I’ve said before I don’t actually want children) for me it was quite lovely to think of a tiny infant inside me that I was caring for, that was a part of me and the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. And now I know it never existed, I suppose I am a little sad, but I do know it is definately for the best.

So whilst at 18, I am not secure enough, rich enough, or even ready, to have a child, maybe in the future, it could happen. Before the past two weeks, kids had not been in my plan, but now they might have to be. My boyfriend wants them, and I realise that maybe I don’t hate the idea as much as I make out.


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