Carry You Home.

So, I don’t really know why I’m going to tell you this, as it is quite personal and well, in reality, I’d rather not talk about it. But I am going to nonetheless. 

Basically, I recently had I suppose what most people would call a ‘pregnancy scare’ although, weirdly I wasn’t all that scared. Not as scared as I should have been perhaps. It all started two weeks ago: I felt like I had put on weight, and was constantly bloated. (I did actually look like I was 7 months pregnant some days.) Now being bloated happens to all people, for many reasons and on it’s own didn’t give me much reason to worry. But then it just got worse… I got headaches, lower back pain, terrible mood swings (happy to angry to crying my eyes out) I was starting to bleed (and I’m on the pill so that is definitely something that should not have happened) and then the most tell tale sign- I started to throw up, but in the evening, not the morning (although as many now know, morning sickness does not actually always occur in the morning.)

So there you have that, I was displaying, nearly every symptom a woman would suffer if she was in her first trimester of pregnancy, and by this point I was concerned and did my research. So in my mind, that was that, I spoke to my boyfriend, and we realised this could be a very real thing that was about to happen to us.

Now, those of you who read this and know me, will know that firstly I’m only 18, and secondly, I don’t actually want to have kids. However, with the ‘knowledge’ that I was most likely carrying a baby, I changed my lifestyle. I haven’t had an alcoholic drink in a week and a half, I have been trying to sleep more, eat more, and cut down my caffeine intake. I have been careful not to be around people who smoke and making sure  eat the right foods for my ‘growing fetus’. That’s almost the funny part, despite me not wanting kids, and my boyfriend telling me we definately couldn’t afford one, I still tried to protect this little thing, despite knowing that if I turned out to be pregnant, it was likely I would have to give it up. 

I kind of shocked myself, at how much I would actually be willing to change for the sake f my child. As it turns out, I found out today I am not actually pregnant, (just a sufferer of freak coincidence) but I still changed my entire thought process and habits, just in case I was, for the sake of a baby that didn’t even really exist.

And another side to that, was that whilst I was unsure whether I was pregnant or not, I liked to think I was (even though as I’ve said before I don’t actually want children) for me it was quite lovely to think of a tiny infant inside me that I was caring for, that was a part of me and the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. And now I know it never existed, I suppose I am a little sad, but I do know it is definately for the best.

So whilst at 18, I am not secure enough, rich enough, or even ready, to have a child, maybe in the future, it could happen. Before the past two weeks, kids had not been in my plan, but now they might have to be. My boyfriend wants them, and I realise that maybe I don’t hate the idea as much as I make out.

You Should Let Me Love You

So,to anyone who actually read this, I’m sorry if you feel I’ve neglected writing for a while. I had a bad few nights, with a lot of sadness, have been very busy with work and alongside that, I don’t really sleep so I have been exhausted.

Well, I can’t promise that my ‘comeback’ will be all that exciting , but it is something that is bothering me: My relationship.

Basically, I have been with my boyfriend nearly a year and a half now and well, neither one of us is soppy, so we don’t spend ages writing long lovey dovey texts, we dont annoy our friends by kissing and canoodling every two seconds in public, and we don’t say the L word.  And you may think it’s weird, considering I’m a girl and supposedly need constant reassurance that I’m loved, but I can deal with that. What I can’t deal with is the fact that lately, it seems my boyfriend has no feelings at all towards me. Now I know he does love me, he’s the one who told me we’d get married  we were having kids etc. and we are planning a holiday together, but just lately I can’t get my head around his complete inability to voice emotions. 

It’s perhaps a shallow thing, but surely sex is an important part of any relationship. And it just seems that I have to deal with no kisses, no hugs, no ‘I love you’s’ , and nowadays, even when we both have time off from work and don’t have to rush around anywhere, I still can’t get this tiny bit of attention from him.

It’s one thing to never tell a girl you love her, so long as you show it adequately, but it is another to give her no attention whatsoever, sexual or otherwise. I just sometimes wonder why you’re even with me, if you don’t want me.

I was going to tell him I love him this weekend , properly for the first time ever as a friend of mine said “who cares if he won’t say it back, you know he feels it and you feel it so you should be able to say it” and he has a point I guess. But I just couldn’t. I felt too let down this weekend. First the no sex, then the anger when I kissed him, then the promising to take me clubbing, then to a restaurant, then we ended up at our shitty local, I just am tired of  putting in so much effort all the time, for him to half arse it

Don’t get me wrong, he is a lovely bloke, and when he does something great, he goes all out. But I am still young, and yes, I want to be with him for the rest of my life, but if only certain changes can be made. I’ve had to make allowances for the fact he is 11 years older than me, surely he should make some for the fact I’m 11 years younger?

I’m Just Really Not Feeling Good Tonight.

I just want to cry. My heart is breaking today. I haven’t felt this low for a while now and I don’t know where it’s come from. I just can’t pick myself up today. There is nothing that has particularly set it off. I’m just nauseated, and sad, and scared. 

Do you ever get like that? Just want to give up, give in, lie down and let whatever has to happen just happen, because you have no longer got any strength, will, determination to beat it?

I used to be this way all the time. There are days I don’t even remember because they were too black to even be considered memories. I had some tough days, I would cry all day, I couldn’t shake the sadness. I thought I was better. But obviously, I still get days like today.

I don’t know how to explain it to you, it would sound patronising to say that unless you get this way that you wouldn’t understand but it’s true.This is not a sadness that is a result of something, that has a cause, I would call it my allergic reaction to life.

To be honest, today I’m losing the will to type, so for now I’ll just day that I really hope I can beat this again, because feeling this way is so hard, especially when no one else knows, or cares.

 

I said to him “I’m too young to be having sex only once a week, every two weeks” He replies, “yes I know, I know I hold you back, you’re only a baba”

But the truth is, the age gap will hold both of us back. I’m too young to be staying in every weekend, to be basically abstinent,  to be thinking about careers and houses and babies. And you’re older, not too old, but too old to be clubbing till 4 in the morning everyday, too old to be fucking me every couple of hours, too old to be held back by a girl who cant drive, who has no money, no career, no future in mind. So yes of course, on the one hand our future doesn’t good to those outsiders, they all assumed our relationship would fail because there are 11 whole years between us, that’s an entire decade of your life that I wasn’t a part of! But between us, we keep the spark alive, we surprise each other with kind words when we know the other needs it, we go out to beautiful restaurants occasionally and we are pretty happy with each other. So perhaps we should stop seeing it as holding each other back but rather, having to make compromises fro each other, which is the same in EVERY relationship regardless of age, height, religion. We’re actually a pretty normal couple when you think about it. You may feel guilty for me missing out on certain milestones, and I’ll always feel guilty for delaying your dreams of a family, but we’ll manage, because when you love someone you do, don’t you.

But…

We’re turning into Ted and Robin. What if you always want your own kids? What if I never do?